All I have to offer is my own confusion...

There are way too many people who lose their lives to drugs. Being in a band, I have met too many drug users, substance abusers, and everything in between. It’s sad to say, these group of people are some of the smartest, ambitious people I have ever met. Unfortunately, they aren’t able to be productive with their goals and ambitions because of their addictions. And it’s truly a shame.

Today, we were driving to our show in Greensboro, NC and I found out that someone close to our band had died as a result of a heroin overdose. It truly pains to me to have to ‘add another one to the list.’ The list of awesome fucking people…talented, generous, amazing, genuine people, who will forever leave black marks on our lives because of their addictions to various substances including but not limited to alcohol, heroine, cocaine, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, and buprenorphine.

It’s fucking insanely devastating that today, I have to add one more person to this list. It breaks me even more to know, that there will probably be future people I know added to this shitty fucking list, that shouldn’t even exist in the first place. Their potential for positive contributions, their knowledge, their talents and skills, will all sadly remain irrelevant and they fall deeper into the black hole of substance abuse.

As I’m out on tour, I keep thinking about my brother. How he was arrested and put in jail for the second time three weeks ago for drug possession, sales, and abuse. Because of this, I know first-hand, how a person’s life can be completely altered by the excess use of drugs. I know how one’s potential can be wasted. And after events like today, I fear that someday he might be added to this “list” that I fucking hate so much if he continues to go down the same path, and associate with the same dope-dealing scumbags. I know how many people care genuinely about my brother, and the impact his actions have had on myself, the rest of my family, his real friends, and other people that sincerely care about him. It’s unfortunate that I have to defend him on a daily basis to random people, who don’t get the pleasure of knowing who he REALLY is. It deeply depresses to know that because he is involved with the wrong people, and is caught in a deep dependence that he can’t shake on his own, that people don’t get to see the brother who would do anything for me, they don’t see the friend who would break his back and give his last dollar to help another friend in need, nor do they see the positive potential he has to offer this fucked up world. As much as I try to fight it or put up a front, every person that speaks negative of him to me, writes him off because of his bad choices, or talks shit and completely abandons his need for help and ‘real’ friends…breaks my heart a little bit more.

In the 3 years I’ve been in SRT, I’ve seen six people added to this list. As far as I’m concerned, that’s six people too many. If I realized anything from today, it’s that I will never let my brother join this list. No matter how much it inconveniences my life, or how many times he lets me down…I know I need to always stay focused and proactive toward his recovery. I know that he is the type of brother that if the roles were switched, he would do the same for me, and I know that someday, he will recover, and he will be thankful for the friends and family that didn’t abandon him. I will not let his awesome personality go unseen, nor will I let him fail, and someday, the world will be a better place with him being productive in it. 

“The quality of one’s recovery, is inversely proportional to the quality of your surrender.”